So, first up, apologies for not having posted in a while. ive kinda had my head down, working non-stop and actually haven't had a chance to come up for air and actually THINK about what im doing. I think thats what this blog is good for. To air my thoughts about comix and the work im doing and if anyone reads it or gives a shit then thats a bonus. Mostly i kinda need to get it out.
You see, ive been thinking about what it is thats driving me so hard at the moment. To the extent that although i feel like im drawing some of my best stuff EVER im still not happy. And then i worked it out the other day.
Its validation. I could draw the greatest comic book of ALL TIME but if no-one saw it, or no-one cared it would be rather pointless. Now dont get me wrong here, im not saying i have drawn the greatest comic book OR that i am only drawing comix for the accolades of my adoring public. Im really not.
Im drawing comix because i love them. Because i love the industry, the community and i love other comix creators. I love how with a comic, you can single handedly create a world and then tell a story within it. You make it exist and you control every element. How your world and your buddy's world can sit on a table next to eachother, like parallel universes... I truly believe comics to be the best medium for telling stories...
The validation i require is being a part of that world. For people to see me as a comic book creator, creating worlds and comics that they enjoy. If i love it so much and have put so much of myself into it, i want to be recognised as part of it. I want to be part of the gang.
To a certain extent i do feel part of the gang. Im a regular face at UK cons now and i have many people who come to seek ME out and are always happy to see me. This makes me IMMENSELY happy. I also have a group of comix dudes, we always hit up the same cons and i love all of their work. You guys know who you are...
But i think they, like me, want to KNOW that they are a comic book artist. And im increasingly getting the feeling that i will never know for sure. That you are only a comic book artist in the eyes of OTHERS (other artists and your audience). From my own eyes i am just a guy who struggles to draw in the time left over from his dayjob, which he needs to pay the rent, and then goes to bed every night wishing he could just draw and somehow live because THATS ALL I WANT TO DO WITH EVERY HOUR GOD SENDS.
Its like im always disappointed because i cant say with absolute 100% truth:
'I AM A COMIC BOOK ARTIST'
i instead have to suffix it with:
'...who works at a school to pay the rent and self-publishes his own books whilst simultaneously bankrupting himself'
I want to be able to wear it as a badge. When i first came out of uni i got a cleaning job and had to clean at the high school i went to as a kid. I could see all the teachers who remembered me, looking down at me as if to say 'wow, he's done well for himself hasn't he'
the few that talked to me i would manage to force into conversation: 'yeah but im ALSO working as a freelance illustrator.' the truth was i was getting max 1 commission a month and nothing more.
I think its totally natural to want to be able to turn around when someone asks what you do and say that you are doing what you love and what you've aspired to do all your life. Instead its always a bit complicated and there's always a part of it that makes the whole thing sound rubbish in other people's eyes.
I do know that most artists have a dayjob. And its the lucky ones who either make it big, get a grant or live some other way that can do it all the time and hence can call themselves 100% hardcore comix dudes. But i bet if you asked them they wouldn't say its so, completely for certain.
I guess what im saying is, in this industry its really difficult to know where you stand. Because even the huge names in comix aren't celebrities (except maybe Stan Lee but we all know he doesn't really count).
Bottom line is, as much as i dont know where i am and whether i will ever be a comic book artist in anyone else's eyes, im gonna keep drawing.
Its like thats the only thing you can ever be sure of... whether you're drawing or not. And i am... so if you are too... lets be comic book artists together.
Here's a transformers picture i drew for Titan. If they like it i might get a transformers gig. that'd rule. fingers crossed.
